I like the things about you that don't remind me of me.

It feels like I'm traveling at warp speed.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:33:38 GMT

I'd like to put on the brakes and get off this ride, but I can't.
I have to get over the fear of crashing.

I'm just trying to do as much as I can each day. I want to be able to do so much more.
My friends - I miss you. Someday soon I won't be spending hours each day writing on my laptop.

I'm scared for when that day comes. I think I'm going to be overwhelmed with free time.
I need to start making positive decisions now for how I'm going to use it.
Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm playing catch-up. I'm tired of reacting.

I know it's all going to work out. I'm excited for what's next.

update.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 06:12:01 GMT

It's a bit discouraging to read an entry from 2 months ago...and still feel that I'm dealing with the same shit.

It's true, but only partly.

I feel like I have more direction now. I have less fear.

I'm making progress. If in nothing else in school. It's insane, but I'm happy. I'm happy with the progress that I've made and the things that I have learned. I'm happy with my growth. I'm glad to have an increased awareness not only of myself and how I act, but of others.

I'm looking to the future, wondering where I will be. It's kind of funny, trying to plan for something while in the midst of something completely different. I suppose that's how it works?

pft.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:45:33 GMT

I should be working on my final right now.

But...
I'm too busy worrying about life.
The past few months it seems as soon as I've figured out one problem another one lands on my doorstep. I don't have any time to just relax and hang out with friends. Any free time I have is spent trying to soothe my mind by repeating "it's going to be okay", even though I don't really know if it will be. I have to believe it anyway to keep going.

I've got so much writing to do in the next week, I just have to believe that I can finish it. Because maybe if I believe hard enough I can make it possible.
It's the mantra I've applied to everything.
If I believe that I'll find a new job I will.
If I believe that I'll find a new place to live I will.
If I believe I can pay back my student loans and find my own health insurance and make my car payments and find cheaper car insurance and pay off my credit card, then I will.

Because I can't deal with these things NOT happening. I can't live in a world where the cards are so stacked against me I can never knock them down. I have to believe that I can make something of myself, become something better than this.

I'm just not sure what step I need to take first to set the rest of my life in motion, into the direction I want it to go.

I guess I can start with working on my paper.

Every Wednesday

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 00:00:46 GMT

About this time...

I begin to enter such a sleep-deprived state that I feel disconnected from my body.
My fingers type, they rest, the move according to a law of motion.

As long as I keep moving I'll stay moving. Stay awake.
The only part of my body that I feel connected to is my head, which feels as if it's filled with fog. It's light and large, like a balloon I'm holding onto, only the balloon is me.

Once class starts, forget it.
I'm really going to start rambling nonsense.
:)

Shift happens.

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 01:00:31 GMT

I need a new job.

Stat.

Architectural digest.

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 05:24:10 GMT

I've been having the reoccuring theme of architecture-infused dreams.
Does that make sense?
The world I create in my sleep is the main focus of the dream world. The environment itself is completely imaginary. Sometimes it's a bit Alice in Wonderland, other times it's more practical, but too often my dreams center not on what is happening-but where.

Just a few more weeks.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 08:28:01 GMT

Cat-sitting is going wonderfully.
Not only is the kitten not being a little shit like usual, but it's nice to have somewhere to go to have some space to myself.
I'm finally beginning to enjoy my summertime and the lack of responsibilities I have during it.
I'm excited for this next year. I know it's going to be intense, but when it's over I know things will be like this, now...only better. And when I think that it seems more than worth it.

I'm tired of having to give myself pep talks.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 05:52:20 GMT

I need to stop analyzing things.
Just start doing things.
When I'm busy I don't have time to think about shit.

Oh, the dreaded subject.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 08:31:04 GMT

I feel like I've been avoiding people
without really trying.
It's like I've stopped trying lately
and that's been the result.

I've had to do some stuff for myself. I was stressing out, developing an ulcer.
But now I feel an absence...
and I'm not sure what it is.

Look to the Clouds

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:09:59 GMT

It's been one of those weeks.
Crazy, fucked-up, unthinkable weeks.
Where you ask the void..."Really?"
Where I hold it all inside and try to help everyone else.
It's been a week for crying.

But the weeks almost over,
and things seem to be getting better.

I like to be optimistic when shit hits the fan.
It makes situations easier to get through.

Pacing

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 10:03:54 GMT

I've got to change something in my life.
New job, new activity, new scenery...
It's not that the days are becoming mundane,
it's as if the pace of my life isn't working with the pace of my personality.

I'm not doing the things I want to do.

I keep thinking temporary, longing for permanance. Some sense of a safety net to catch me when I fall.

I'm not sure how to get from here to there. I'm become aware of how stuck I feel, and I can't shake it off.

I don't feel that I'm moving forward in all the things I'd like to.

Sometimes I'm hard on myself, but I think you need to be
or you'll never get anywhere..

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:50:03 GMT

I'm gonna try harder to live with no expectations. I've been kinda down today, and finally realized that what's been bugging me was only the dissolution of an expectation I had.
It's time to start living outside of my own head.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:21:19 GMT

Eh, fuck ya'll.

.

Mon, 26 May 2008 10:02:26 GMT

I have some problems.

I don't know how to let people in.
I can't do it.
I don't try to be dishonest in my actions or feelings, but it happens.
I don't know how to open up. Any time I have, I've been shot down.
I don't know how someone can continue to let others in when they know they will end up hurt.

I think too much. I think big picture.
I'm trying to live in the moment. Live in the now.
It's hard. It's extremely hard for me.

I've always recognized milestones. Turning points. I remember in second grade swinging on the playground, mourning the fact that next year I would be on a different playground. I would never swing on this swingset again. Yes, it's laughable. Who cares about a swingset? Why the fuck does that matter? I don't know. I just know it does. The small things have always mattered to me. I notice them and treasure them. I take comfort in them. I acknowledge and value them.
This is who I am.

I am shy. I have always been shy. I don't know what to do with people. People....I try to understand them. Understand what to expect. Because I'm predictable. As much as I'd like to be otherwise. I am. And I wish others would be. I don't know how to deal with their unpredictabilty.

I'm learning. I know that much. And it hurts. Every day. Hurts. Aches.
Learning is painful.
And I don't know how to stop.

I'd love to live in the now.
I would love to be able to stop thinking, and start doing.
But I doubt I can ever change.

This Oral Surgery Thing

Tue, 13 May 2008 05:28:15 GMT

Yeah, I'm pretty much over it.
Done with the pain and the swelling and feeling tired.
I'm ready to eat real food again.
Ready to get these stitches removed.
Ready to get on with my life.

I've never been a very patient girl.
Hopefully everyone will be patient with me as it's taking longer than I anticipated to recover from this.
I'm too ambitious in my goals.
Meh.

A Small Treasure

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 23:18:05 GMT

I come home to find a small necklace draped across the books covering my nightstand. A delicate treasure of gold and pearls. A present for me on her birthday. I immediately recognize this and in both my guilt and pleasure reach for my gift. Gingerly I raise it to my neck and open the clasp. I've been wearing it ever since.

Eros

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:01:23 GMT

"Why is it," he said, one time at the subway entrance, " I feel I've known you so many years?"
"Because I like you," she said, "and I dont' want anything from you. And because we know each other."

The rarity of a relationship where nothing is expected to me seems perfectly appropriate today. The beauty of such a relationship void of guilt.
A relationship in which two people find themselves connected to each other, seperate from the rest of the world. How can such a thing survive?
I am overcome by the preceeding passage, and optimistic about the possibilities of love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

A balance of work and play.

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 23:24:20 GMT

I've never felt that I have enough time for what I want to do.
Not just the day-to-day activities, but also the lifetime goals type of stuff.
I just can't figure out how to choose, everything seems so important to me. Everything about life seems valuable and interesting and worth my time.
It's why work drains my soul. But I doubt I'd be happier somewhere else. I just don't think I'm in a place where I can find a job that truly challenges and interests me.
Someday, maybe. :)

There will always be something.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 05:35:13 GMT

As I read most of your journals I notice 2 things.
We have those who don't write about anything personal.
We have those who write only about personal things.
I don't really have an opinion on this, I just find it interesting. Clearly, we all have our good days and our bad days, and the level to which we disclose our feelings vary.
I rarely write how I feel here.
I just feel too exposed.

Nice.

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 07:05:45 GMT

I'm feeling a bit in over my head, but at the same time I'm soooo excited.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I CAN handle the next few months.
And I'll be fine.
:)

Just when I was getting comfortable.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 01:11:47 GMT

Last night I come home, park my car and light up a cigarette.
As I'm walking in front of my house I see this dark thing moving in my driveway.
It's about 5 inches long.
Fuckin scorpion.
I stood there, frozen in shock.
I didn't even try to kill it.
I ran inside like a little girl.

Just the melody, no words.

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 23:38:30 GMT

I think the purpose of dreams is to give us a break from ourselves, from our conscious mind. The constant barage of information, thoughts, ideas, feelings...that's why we sleep, so that we can stop all the internal noise.

I've come to talk with you again...

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 00:48:27 GMT

In trying to eliminate the stress in my life, I've temporarily given myself more.
It's only temporary.
And I know I have to get past the stress of now so that I can get some peace in the future.
I'm still pissed off at everyone who's been asking me "Are you okay?"

Uncomfortable.

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 00:28:27 GMT

I'm tired.
You can't change anyone. They have to want to grow on their own. Somehow I forgot this applied to all relationships. Once again, trying to help and change and support someone else. Trying to make them into the person I thought they should be, what I disguise as their "potential". It's bullshit. Everyone has "potential". It doesn't matter. What matters is what you're doing, right now. What you're trying to do, trying to change.
I'm unsure of what to do now. I'd had this feeling all day...that something was about to change. Well, I was right about one thing.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 22:16:13 GMT

I dreamt I was at my old house alone.
I was getting ready for work with the bedroom door open
And saw my dad in the doorway, holding a gun.
I ran forward to shut the door, but his hand got in the way
His hand snaking around the door, gun aimed at me..
That's when I woke up, and had to get ready for work.